Sunday, 1 January 2012

Grow a pair Nick and some other new year’s resolutions for the great and the good.

I was going to write about the New Year’s messages put out by the three party leaders but they were too dull for words; so I’ve put together a few resolutions for the year ahead on behalf of some of the people and institutions who go to make up the great sit-com of life.

David Cameron: To be a bit less smug about things, buying off the dafter Tory back benchers by stomping out of negotiations with the EU and cosying up to the Daily Mail dose not in any way represent good governance; quite the reverse in fact. Britain still faces serious problems for which your government appears not to have any solutions.

Steve Hilton: To go on being the comic gift that just never stops giving. However bleak things get in 2012 you will always be on hand to cheer us all up by coming out with some plan that is brilliant in its sheer lunacy. How about towing the UK out to sea and mooring it off the coast of Miami? It’ll be so much warmer there and we won’t have to spend money on socks.

Nick Clegg: To finally grow a pair, being a good little doormat has brought your party to the brink of electoral oblivion; frankly you’re doomed mate so you might as well enjoy yourself by saying no to Dave now and again.

Ed Milliband: To reconnect with the electorate by following the example of David Beckham and launching your own fragrance; might I suggest ‘Dither’ as a possible name for the resulting pong.

Barack Obama : To spend every day between now and August praying that Newt Gingrich gets the Republican nomination, because, sadly, running against a candidate who is compromised and downright strange looks like your best (perhaps your only) chance of holding on to the White House.

The BBC: To try really hard not to fill up every gap in the Radio 4 schedules with yet another fatuous panel show. Failing that you could at least come up with a festive channel ident that doesn’t make viewers want tot claw their own eyes out. A gaggle of presenters pretending to be having ‘fun’ at a Christmas party even though the whole thing was probably recorded some time in July; yuck!

My bank: To find someone who sounds a little less world weary to record the welcome message on your automated switchboard. The woman doing the job at the moment sounds as overcome with ennui as an existentialist who has carried home some really heavy shopping.

Sally Bercow: To buy herself a really big leather bound dictionary in which she can look up words like ‘dignity’ ‘self-respect’ and ‘decorum’, because after spending the past year appearing on Celebrity Big Brother and being photographed with only the shadow of Big Ben covering her modesty she clearly has no idea what they mean.

The Bank of England: To invest in some really nice note paper to be used for all those letter Governor Mervin King is going to have to write explaining why inflation has risen; again.

The ‘Occupy’ movement: The common sense to realise that the time has come to pack up the tents, have a shower and move on to the next phase. You can’t change the world by preaching self righteously to the converted.

The ‘God Particle’: The humility to realise that when it eventually does get found it will only ever be a supporting player in Brian Cox’s latest TV series.

To everyone who reads this blog I would like to wish you all a happy and safe new year; normal service will be resumed next week.

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